The other day I read a newspaper article that challenged everything we'd ever thought about using praise to motivate people.

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For those of you are regulars of the ManageTrainLearn blog, you'll know that I love stories that coach.

Stories that coach are great ways to learn. They are fun to listen to and easy to remember. And the best stories always bring a smile to people's faces and a glow to their hearts.

If you want to see what I mean, read the following story on teamwork and the company of those we care about. It's called "Stone Soup".

There exists a tale, handed down from times long ago, of two travelers on a pilgrimage. Hungry and tired from a long day’s journey, they come to a small, impoverished village, where they decide to rest by the side of the road. One of the travelers builds a small fire, upon which he places a large pot, while the other, having drawn water from the town well, fills the pot and places into the vessel a simple stone. As the two men sit by the fire, bringing their "stone soup" to a boil, the local villagers become inquisitive of the curious antics of these strangers. Eventually, several townsfolk decide to investigate the matter and approach the two travelers to engage them in conversation.

Shortly thereafter, there is heard the sound of merriment, as the visitors, who turn out to be quite friendly, share their tales of the lands and people they have met throughout their journey and pilgrimage with the local villagers.

Finally, a young boy asks the travelers "But why, pray thee, are you boiling a stone?"

One of the pilgrims replies, "So we may eat stone soup."

"It must be terribly bland!" says an old woman. "But I have a cabbage, which will add some flavour!"

"And I, some carrots, which will add colour!" says another villager.

"Some potatoes!", offers another, until, shortly, by the contribution of a little by many, a hearty stew was made, upon which the entire village and the weary pilgrims dined... and while doing so, shared their tales, talents, and camaraderie throughout the night.

The very next day, the travelers (who by now could be called "strangers" no more), continued their journey, leaving the little town, and its people, behind. But the villagers never forgot them, and the lesson they had learned. In fact, during the hardest of times, in such a time as this tale, that little village thrived, because the townsfolk never forgot how to make "stone soup".

I love this story for its simplicity, truth, and wisdom. And, just like the villagers, I've added it to my blog in the hope that you, too, will never forget the lesson and pass the story on.

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The New Year has always been a time for making new resolutions about the year ahead.

This year is no exception. About.com have even published a list of the most wanted resolutions for 2010, the top 5 being:

1. to spend more time with friends and family
2. to get fit
3. to lose weight
4. to quit smoking
5. to enjoy life more.

Of course, in reality, most of us who make New Year resolutions won't keep them. Research suggests that only 12% of us actually go on to achieve them. Which means that 88% of us fall by the wayside.

Why is this? Why are the vast majority of us no good at getting what we want?

Mike George of relax7.com says it's because when most of us set goals, we're in one of 6 modes. These are...

1. worriers, who as soon as they make a resolution to do something new, worry about how they're going to do it and what they'll have to give up.

2. hopers, who have a vague sense that somehow their resolutions will work out but have no plan or follow through.

3. followers, who make resolutions because everyone else does and then as quickly give up when everyone else does.

4. wanters, whose focus on the wanting results in more lack, or "wanting".

5. dreamers, who spend more time imagining the desired state than actually doing anything about it.

6. aimers, who put all their efforts into goal-setting and action planning so that, while they may achieve their aim, the effort needed to sustain it is too great and so the change doesn't last.

These are not the ways to achieve the changes you want in your life. The best way to do that is much more simple and subtle. It is to become the person who has already become what it is you want.

To do that, you have to turn the normal process on its head. Instead of first having the means to get what you want and then using that to be someone different, - the "have, do, be" cycle, - simply be the person you want to be and all the rest, the doing and having, will follow by itself. In other words, be, do and have.

Be the person who spends more time with their family and friends.
Be the person who takes the stairs not the lift.
Be the person who eats less.
Be the person who cherishes clean air not smoke.
Be the person who enjoys life in all its glory.

Mike George describes the person who lives this way as the "seer" or "visionary". Such a person is on a different plane entirely from the worriers, hopers, followers, wanters, dreamers, and aimers.

Here is how Mike describes them:

"The visionary either knows what lies up ahead or they know whatever they envision for their life is likely to evolve in the most natural way. The visionary forces nothing, least of all thoughts about the future. They know that if they sit quietly and pose a simple question, while being fully present in the moment called now, the sense of what is to unfold in their life will become clear. They are aware enough not to worry or desire, as they know that such habits block the emergence of clear insight into what will be. They trust their intuitive abilities. They surrender to whatever subtle insights and feelings may arise. And deep within their heart there is both gratitude and grace, and a clear awareness that life itself is the greatest gift, an opportunity to create beauty and a responsibility to show others the way ahead."

Now there's a resolution for a new year. And a new life.

A very happy New Year to you!

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With Christmas just around the corner, and all my children away from home, my thoughts this week went back to the Nativity plays that we used to go to when they were at primary school.

I remember in particular one year when my youngest son played one of the Three Wise Men. He was only 6 and was supposed to hand over his gift of frankincense, a beautiful box made from a cereal packet that my wife had spent all night decorating.

He loved that box so much that when his turn came to hand it over to the baby Jesus, he wouldn't part with it. We, along with the whole audience, held our breath as he stood there unmoved. One of the teachers went up to him, spoke quietly in his ear, but he just shook his head defiantly. The teacher spoke to him again and this time he looked up to her as if to say, "Will that be alright then?", and then reached into his pocket and gave baby Jesus a bag of marbles.

I often remember his little gift when I watch the frenzy of gift-buying at Christmas. Every year, I wonder how much more meaningful it would be if, instead of giving shop-bought and Internet-bought gifts running into hundreds of pounds, we simply gave our friends and loved ones something uniquely of ourselves.

Paulo Coelho re-tells an Austrian legend about the Buckhard family, a man, woman, and boy, who used to amuse people at Christmas by reciting poetry, singing troubadour ballads, and juggling.

When the boy grew up, he told his parents that he wanted to take his first step to do what he had always dreamed of and become a priest.

Although they were poor, and hated to see him go, the family respected his wish and allowed him to enter the monastery at Melk.

That Christmas, a special miracle happened at Melk when Our Lady and the baby Jesus descended to earth to visit the monastery.

All the priests lined up to pay homage to the Madonna and her son. One priest brought a beautiful painting, another presented a hand-written Bible, and another recited the names of all the saints.

At the end of the line, young Buckhard waited his turn, with no gift to bring.

Finally, when his turn came, the young man stood before the Virgin and child. Feeling ashamed before the reproachful looks of the other priests, he reached into his pocket, took out some oranges and began to toss them into the air and catch them with his hands, just as he and his family used to do when they travelled to all the fairs in the region.

At that instant, the baby Jesus, lying in his mother's lap, clapped his hands with joy. And it was to young Buckhard that the Virgin held out her arms to let him hold the smiling child for a few moments.

This Christmas, whether you are struggling in the recession with no job and no money, or sipping champagne as you count your end-of-year bonus, I hope the most appreciated gift you give to others is the gift of yourself.

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The other day I had a really nice email from a customer who wanted to thank me for the products they had bought.

As I started reading the email, I thought, "hey, that's kind of nice" but then, when they ended their email with the words, "I just love your stuff!", I thought, "Wow, that's amazing!"

That was when I knew that this person was a bit more than a customer and even a bit more than a regular. They were a Fan!

On our Customer Care courses at ManageTrainLearn, we train people to distinguish between 4 levels of customer service.
At the lowest level, there is customer satisfaction, which means making sure that the product or service you deliver to the customer does everything it's supposed to. This level is not much above the legal requirement of normal day-to-day trade and requires little extra effort on your part.

At the next level up, there is customer care, which suggests doing something a bit extra for your customer, such as making sure they get what they want, can get the best out of it, and hopefully will come back to you again in the future. You can do this by paying attention to good customer care policies and procedures such as guarantees, returns, and complaint resolutions.

At the third level up, there is customer delight. This is where we enter new territory. For delight means a mixture of joy and surprise. This happens when the experience that your customer has simply overwhelms them. It's not likely they will react this way to your policies. It is more likely they will react this way to the way they are treated by you and your team.

At the top level of our customer pyramid comes customer loyalty, the domain of the Fan. When customers love what you do so much that it goes beyond caring, policies, and one-off experiences, you know you've got a friend for life.

So, how do you turn your customers into fans? By doing the following 3 things:

1. Love What You Do. When you love what you do, your customers don't just get a great product or service, they pick up on a powerful energy as well. They see the "you" behind the product and service and that's what they buy into.

2. Put Your Heart and Soul Into It. What your fans want from you is the real authentic you. Even when a new product or change in service doesn't come up to scratch, and maybe even disappoints, your customer fans won't leave you. They'll stick around knowing that the next time, things will be back on track.

3. Give Them Value. A customer doesn't become a fan of yours if you simply see them as a source of revenue and profit. When what you deliver exceeds what they pay at the till, and even goes way beyond, then you'll have a paid-up member of your fan club.

What's great about having fans rather than customers is that you don't need to sell or market to them. They're even likely to be ahead of you eagerly awaiting your next product or service before you've even created it. And for one simple reason.

Because they "just love what you do".

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Can you remember your first training model?

I don't mean that dishy graduate from the IT training team or that handsome hunk from the consultancy.

I mean a theory of how people behave and relate in organisations.

I can.

It was Theory X and Y and it was nearly 35 years ago.

At the time, as a junior manager in a national UK food company, my introduction to Douglas McGregor's theory of human motivation hit me like a thunderbolt from the blue.

I can still recall the flipchart where my trainer drew a vertical line down the paper and on one side, under "Theory X", wrote that "people are lazy, will only work for money, and do no more than they have to".

And then, on the other side, to my growing fascination, wrote under "Theory Y" that "people want to learn, want to grow, and want to become something."

Looking back, I guess that day changed everything I had assumed about people, changed how I wanted to manage them, and turned me into a devotee of personal development.

In short, it made me a fan of Theory Y.

Imagine then my shock and horror to discover that, far from having changed everyone else back in the 1970's into Theory Y advocates, Theory X is still alive and well and thriving in a bank near you.

I know this because of accounts of the management style of Sir Fred Goodwin, until last year chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland, one of the biggest banks in the world.

These accounts relate how every day during his tenure as chairman, Sir Fred would summon his top executives to his office at 9.30 prompt and grill them mercilessly about the shortcomings of any branch and its staff.

If any branch were under-performing, he would humiliate the poor executive responsible, using his favourite phrases, "I think you're asleep at the wheel" and "that's life in the big city, chum".

Sir Fred became known as Fred the Shred for his people-destroying management style. A Theory X manager incarnate.

I'm not glad that the Royal Bank of Scotland has crashed with huge debts and been bailed out by the taxpayer. Nor am I glad that in the year since its demise, thousands of hardworking bank staff have lost their jobs. And I'm certainly not glad that Sir Fred Goodwin jumped the ship in time by negotiating a massive pension for himself right at the moment in the mid-night hours when it looked as if the bank was about to run out of money for all its customers.

However, I am glad that, nearly 50 years after McGregor produced his theory, and 30-odd years after I discovered it, Theory Y has won the day.

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As some of you will know, I've spent the best part of this year re-decorating our house, following some major structural work two years ago.

We're now on the last lap and, although nearly every part of our re-design and re-decoration looks beautiful, I am sometimes irritated by a few niggling things that don't quite work.

These include the overlapping wallpaper edges in the living room, the border that's out by about 3 degrees in the study, and the carpet that doesn't quite match the wallpaper in one of the bedrooms.

Although these are miniscule matters compared with the overall effect, they still niggle me from time to time. And they would totally destroy the overall effect if it wasn't for my refusal to join the 99 Club.

If you don't know what the 99 Club is, then let me tell you.

There once was a king who, despite his wealth, was very unhappy.

One day, the king came across a servant who was happily singing at his work. The king demanded to know why he was singing.

"Sire," said the servant, "I know I am only a servant but I and my family have all we need to be happy. We have a roof over our heads, a nice home, and three healthy children. Why shouldn't I be happy?"

This reply troubled the rich but miserable king who called in his chief advisor to tell him what to do.

After hearing about the servant, the advisor told the king, "Sire, I think the solution is for your servant to join the 99 Club. Tonight, leave 99 gold coins in a bag at the servant's door and watch what happens."

The king did as he was told.

That night, when the servant came home, he saw the bag and took it into his house.

When he opened the bag and counted the 99 coins, he let out a great shout of joy.

But almost at once he wondered what had happened to the last gold coin, for surely nobody would leave just 99 coins instead of 100.

From that moment on, the servant's life changed. Feeling compelled to complete his fortune, he overworked, became grumpy at his loss, and felt incomplete. He soon stopped singing at his work.

The next time the king and his advisor saw the servant, the advisor smiled and said, "Your Majesty, your servant has now joined the 99 Club."

I love this story because it reflects how many of us feel, and are made to feel, about the things in our lives that are not perfect and, instead of rejoicing in the 99% that are complete and wonderful, focus on the 1% that is not.

Now, every time I see my overlapping wallpaper, my dodgy border, and my mis-matched carpet, I remember the 99 Club, smile to myself, and breathe a deep sense of contentment.

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Paying compliments is an important way to build rapport with others, whether they are colleagues, customers, or casual contacts.

But there is a right way to do it; and a wrong way.

The wrong way is to pay a compliment as an excuse to suck up, smarm, and seduce. People usually see through such compliments and dismiss the compliment as meaningless and you as a fake.

The right way is, first, to mean it; secondly, to deliver it in a way that doesn't embarrass the other person; and, thirdly, to explain the effect it has on you and others.

One of the ways you can do this is to focus on a thing you admire about the other person, rather than on the person themselves. For example, "Jude, you're the best secretary in the world", might well be received with a disbelieving "yeah, yeah" and a roll of the eyes to heaven.

But, tell her, "Jude, Bill in Accounts told me that that report of yours really made him sit up and think", and you will be praising the report and, by association, your secretary too.

In "Business as a Game", Albert Carr relates the story of a speech given by a chief executive. The man was not an accomplished speaker and knew it. Nevertheless, shortly after he had sat down, he was approached by one of his department managers. "Mr Rossen, that was a terrific speech. A great performance. Churchill couldn't have done better!"

The chief replied amiably: "Thank you, Larry. Glad you liked it."

A few days later, another manager came up to the chief during lunch and said: "Mr Rossen, I've been thinking about what you said the other night. It's got me thinking about some changes we could make in our department. Would you mind if I sent you my thoughts?"
"Not at all, Bill," said the chief. "I'm glad the speech got you thinking."

It's not difficult to work out which compliment mattered most.

All of us love compliments. Few of us love flattery.

If you can deliver a compliment in a way that is honest, sincere, and focuses on the effect people have on others, then you will make people feel good, open them up and light up their day.

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A recent survey by UK recruitment agency, Office Angels, says that 2 out of 5 people are regularly irritated by the people they work beside.

38% of those surveyed said that they had had to complain to their bosses about the behaviour of their colleagues, including too much talking, eating noisily, leaving desks untidy, and taking lunchtime workouts without showering afterwards.

This survey reminds me that few of us are lucky to work in great teams in every job we do. Some of us complain, some of us suffer in silence. A few turn the situation around.

A few years back, I took an interim consultancy position in a large organisation where I joined an established team. From day one, there was a noticeable atmosphere of suspicion. A few of the team were formally friendly, but others didn't exchange a word with me.

Although little bits of me were starting to hurt inside, I decided that, whatever the problems the individuals in the team were having, they were nothing to do with me, and that I should just practice 3 things that we teach on our Teambuilding courses at ManageTrainLearn.

1. Put the team first, even before yourself
2. Be a determined team sharer. Share information, ideas, thoughts and feelings with the rest of the team.
3. Ignore the little irritations that come your way and project a positive can-do and sunny disposition.

In the course of a few weeks, these 3 things changed the whole climate of the team towards me. By the time I left the assignment after 9 months, every single member of the team was not an irritant but a good and true friend.

The responsibility for making teams work isn't the boss's or the organisation's. It's yours. Despite what they say in the slogans, there is an "I" in "TEAMWORK" and it's you and what you give out to others.

One of my all-time favourite quotes comes from author Alan Cohen, who said: "We are hurt when we don't receive love. But that is not what hurts us. Our pain comes when we do not give love. We were born to love. You might say that we are divinely-created love machines. We function most powerfully when we are giving love. It's not about what comes back. It's about what goes out."

So, the next time one of your colleagues takes your pencil-sharpener and forgets to return it, don't get irritated. Buy them a new one, wrap it up, and give it to them as a present.

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"Ornery" isn't a word I use very often. In fact, until a few weeks ago, I'd never really used it at all. But this week, after a business prospect I'd been working with for a few months, failed to deliver on her promises, I really gave in to an ugly and unpleasant temper. I felt ornery.

My initial thought was to express my orneriness in a condemnatory email or phone call. It seemed like the natural thing to do. But a little voice in the back of my head told me to sleep on it and re-visit things in the morning.

That little voice in my head probably came from something we teach on our Communication courses at ManageTrainLearn. First off, don't communicate with anyone when your emotions, - and your orneriness, - are running high. And second, when you are calm and can communicate, don't think about getting others to understand your position and how you feel. Instead, do everything you can to understand their position and how they feel.

In "Chicken Soup for the Soul", Mark Victor Hansen relates Terry Dobson's story of the drunk on the Tokyo metro. This is a story of how Terry Dobson found himself on a late-night underground train in Tokyo confronted by a violent-looking drunk. Terry was in Japan studying martial arts and aikido. As the drunk got more threatening by the minute, he prepared himself to use one of the quick attacking moves that he had learnt in his studies.

At that moment, they both heard someone shout out, "Hey!" and turned round to see a tiny old Japanese gentleman sitting on a seat and beckoning to the drunk. "Come here and talk to me," he said.

The drunk ignored him so the old man asked, "What you been drinking?" with eyes sparkling with interest.

"Sake!" the drunk bellowed back, "and it's none of your business."

"Oh, that's wonderful," the old man said, "absolutely wonderful. You see, I love sake too. Every night my wife and I warm up a little bottle of sake and go and drink it under the persimmon trees in our garden."

The drunk's face began to soften. "I love persimmon trees."

"And I bet you have a lovely wife, too."

"No," replied the drunk. "My wife died. And then I lost my job. And my house." Very gently, almost like a child, the drunk began to sob as he related the story of his misfortune and loneliness to the old man.

By the time he left the train, the drunk had completely calmed down. Terry alighted from the train and sat on the station platform. He took a moment to think. "What I had wanted to do with muscle had been accomplished with kind words. I had seen aikido in action and the essence of it was love."

This approach to communicating can also be summed up in what we call the Five Vowels approach. The vowels are AEIOU and stand for:
A for Acceptance
E for Empathy
I for Interest
O for Openness, and
U for Understanding.

When I Skyped my prospect on the morning after my orneriness, I decided to put aikido and the Five Vowels into practice.

As a result, I now have a prospect with whom I have built understanding; a relationship that I can build on in the future; and, quite possibly, a friend for life.

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What did you want to be when you were a kid?

When I was around 10, I dreamed of being a great journalist. When I was a teenager, of being a great writer. And when I left home, of gracing the acting boards at the Old Vic.

None of these dreams came true for me, (well, not yet anyway), but for most of our youngsters such dreams are still alive and kicking.

According to a recent survey, the top 3 dreams of today's youngsters are to be

1. a sports' star
2. a pop star
3. an actor or actress

This contrasts with the ambitions of their parents, who, 25 years ago, wanted most to be

1. a teacher
2. a banker
3. a doctor

Naturally, like me, the overwhelming majority of these children will be disappointed. They'll have neither the natural talent, determination, or luck to become top footballers, athletes, singers or film stars. And, like me, they will come to a day when they have to give up on their dreams.

When that day comes, although it can be filled with huge disappointment, it can also be filled with renewed hope. For as the impossible dream fades, the possible dream can take its place.

Martin Luther King knew this. Speaking to young people whose dreams may have been shattered by the reality of their situation, he said, "If a man is called on to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well."

In the film, "What a Wonderful Life", James Stewart, as George Bailey, aspires to conquer the world. He wants to see continents and do great deeds. But circumstances conspire to keep him in his little mid-West town where his deep-seated integrity and regard for his fellow human beings makes him a star without knowing it.

In truth, few of us can realistically expect to be a star to millions.

But, a star amongst our friends, our families, our customers, and our colleagues?

I think I'd settle for that.

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What's the nastiest nasty job lying around your office, you know those jobs that we know we have to do but just keep putting off?

If you're anything like me, it's likely to be a piece of paper with the words, "Tax Return" written on it.

Every year I get that form landing on my desk around May time and every year it's still there in January when the deadline looms.

I take some comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Apparently, more than a quarter of us admit to having nasty jobs lying around the office, jobs that we know we ought to do but just can't bring ourselves to complete.

There are both simple explanations why we do this and more complex reasons. The simple explanation is that we perceive nasty jobs as unpleasant so we just don't do them, especially if we can get away with leaving them for now by doing something else. The more complex reasons are to do with our personalities and personal experiences. The job is, or represents a pyschological block, possibly from way back in our past.

The odd things is, we all know that there is no logic in putting off nasty jobs. It is the worst kind of time management. For example, psychotherapist William Krause knew an otherwise successful businessman who spent 40 hours delaying a nasty job that took only 5 minutes to complete.

So, here for all of us chronic procrastinators is my 5-step guide to slaying your nasty jobs.

1. Force yourself. I know that this is pretty extreme, but it's about growing up and just doing what you know you have to do. If there's an image that helps, think about Ulysses who tied himself to his ship's mast so he wouldn't be tempted to follow the distractions of the Sirens. I'm not suggesting you strap yourself literally to your desk, but, figuratively, yes you should.

2. Do your nasty jobs at the start of the day. Make up your mind to do your nasty job first thing in the morning, a bit like someone who has to take a spoonful of nasty medicine. Get it over with and then you'll feel great for the rest of the day.

3. Use the 5-minute burst technique. Start by committing yourself to 5 minutes on some aspect of the nasty job, even if it's just sitting and looking at it. Then, once you've got into it, you'll probably want to spend another 5 minutes on it. And another. And another. Until it's done.

4. Sort out your demons. If you are a regular procrastinator with the same sort of jobs, work out what the block is. Simply put, ask yourself what you're afraid of. It could be fear of failure, fear of confronting certain issues, fear of making a decision, fear of responsibility, or something along these lines. Confront the fear and face it. Or, if it really is an issue, get some help.

5. Motivate yourself. Most of our nasty jobs aren't jobs we can't do. They're jobs we don't want to do. So the real issue is getting yourself motivated. If you're an "away" person, who is motivated by fear of bad consequences, write down the worst thing that could happen to you if you continue to put things off. If you're a "toward" person and motivated by the prospect of rewards, write down all the positives that will come your way once your nasty job is done.

"Nasty" jobs can be the bane of our lives. The one thing that stops us from feeling pleased about our day's work, the one thing that reminds us how lazy and inefficient we are.

So stop being lazy. Come out fighting. And do those nasty jobs.

Now where did I put that Tax Return?

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Last week, I spent most of my time working on updating the ManageTrainLearn e-learning courses. (Coming soon to a website near you!)

When I say "most of the time", I mean that 20% of the time went like a dream and I updated 80% of the courses without a hitch. However, 80% of the time went on trying to resolve a handful of less than 20% of the courses.

(And if those aren't good examples of the 80-20 Pareto principle, I don't know what are.)

The reason why I spent so much time trying to fix a handful of courses that wouldn't play ball was that, when it comes to getting things right, I'm a perfectionist.

When other people see the big picture and what they're doing right, my brain slips into seeing all the little details and what I'm doing wrong.

I should know better.

If, like me, you have a strong perfectionist streak in your make-up, you'll have spent a lifetime agonising over the 20% of things that didn't work rather than the 80% that did.

Well, last week, in the middle of my frustrating battle with the DHTML and the file transfers, I had a eureka moment, triggered first by the excessive amount of time I was taking and secondly by a blog from my friend Scott Ginsberg.

Scott happened to be writing about the very thing I was resisting: imperfection.

And, in his own inimitable way, he was championing all the things that make perfectionists like me uncomfortable, but that we most need to learn.

Like showing your vulnerability; believing that people really want the real, honest and imperfect you; easing back on the need to see perfection in others; learning to live in shades of grey, rather than good-bad, right-wrong; and "walking the halls" with an attitude of confident uncertainty.

In short, Scott was saying that there really isn't anything wrong with imperfection. It's what makes you more human and it's what people identify with and buy into.

So, that's a good lesson learnt.

In future, I hope the lesson will come back to me whenever I find myself spending up to 80% of my time on up to 20% of my problems.

As U. S. Anderson said in "The Magic Of Your Mind", "When imperfectness enters a man's soul, he is able to show that he does not live in the world alone but with millions of others in whose hearts exists the same animating spirit."

Or, to quote Scott Ginsberg, "What would happen to your career if you were known as the biggest imperfectionist in your company?"

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One of the really hard but powerfully effective skills of communications is to speak with good purpose.

Speaking with good purpose means conversing with others in a way that is honest, straightforward, and with the aim of building better relationships.

Take for example the following phrase: "You're so sloppy. Your work area is such a mess."

This is likely to antagonise the person to whom it is directed who will most likely respond in the same manner (since behaviour breeds behaviour) or go on the defensive. Either way, your point will be defended or denied and the conversation, to say nothing of the relationship, will pretty quickly be over.

If, on the other hand, you worked out in advance that you really needed the other person to know how you felt and what you wanted them to do, you could phrase the same message in the following way which leaks no anger or put-down: "I find it really hard to share an office with you because we have such different ideas about organisation."

Now, you have the basis for a much better working arrangement.

Bobby DePorter, the president of Quantum Learning Network, says that there are many ways we can learn how to speak with good purpose. Here are 3...

1. a "No Tolerance to Gossip" policy, since gossip is exactly the opposite of speaking with good intent.
2. letting people know your intent when you speak. So, instead of the slightly sinister-sounding "Have you got a minute?", use visible communication and let them know what's on your mind, as in "Have you got a minute to talk about the Jones' contract...?"
3. avoiding shut-downs by turning the conversation from them to you. So, if someone is telling you about a problem they've got, don't "me-too" them ("Yeah, I know what you mean. The same thing happened to me...") and don't give them your solutions ("If I were you...").

Marshall Thurber, the real estate mogul, has a rule in his office: "If it doesn't serve, don't say it." When he finds anyone breaking this rule, with gossip, negativity, or not thinking before opening their mouth, the culprit has to put a $20 in the charity box.

The result is not only that people stop saying things that are hurtful, malicious, or just plain unnecessary. They stop thinking them too.

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It seems to me that one of the differences between leaders and followers is their attitude to problems.

Most people approach a problem in one of three frames of mind:

1. They get uncomfortable and wish it would go away.
2. They feel they have to come up with a quick and correct answer.
3. They look for someone or something to blame.

As a result, most people worry about their problems until they can be resolved.

Leaders are different. They have trained themselves to look at problems in three opposite frames of mind:

1. They see them as normal and therefore not something to worry about.
2. They see them as opportunities to learn and move ahead. As Richard Bach put it: "There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hand."
3. They see solutions as inevitable.

On our ManageTrainLearn Thinking Skills programmes, we teach our trainees that problems can always be resolved by two approaches: moving your thinking to a higher level and taking your time.

Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, says that seeing a situation as a "problem" is the result of ego-based thinking. In this kind of thinking, a problem arises when it threatens our image of ourselves as competent, capable, and confident.

By moving our thinking from ego-based to non ego, or spirit-based thinking, our problems dissolve into thin air. They become simply another "interesting" situation with lots of opportunities to explore, experiment, and have fun.

Taking our time is the second way to solve problems.

Tom Hicks, of business consultancy Connexus, says that people are born problem-solvers but don't realise it. Our fear of discomfort means we rush into a solution when it would be infinitely better to take our time.

By being patient, we allow ourselves to put the solution at the end of the process of enquiry and higher-level thinking. It also means being able to live with "life unresolved", not always a comfortable thing to do.

Hicks adds that a problem is like a curve in the road where we can't see the road ahead. When we take the bend quickly, we come a cropper. When we take it slowly, we make it easily.

The next time you face a problem which appears to knock you off-track and de-rail you, calm your thoughts and take your time.

And, bit by bit, you will become a leader of class.

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