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Low Self Esteem

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What is Low Self Esteem?


Low self esteem involves thinking and feeling that you are not good enough and not treating yourself with the respect which as a normal human being you deserve.

This may involve:

- Putting yourself down
- Thinking that you don't deserve to be treated reasonably by others
- Frequently worrying that you won't be able to live up to other people's expecations or achieve goals or tasks that you are set or are aiming for.













CBT Techniques

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CBT Techniques

What is CBT?

CBT stands for "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy".

The term describes practical methods for helping people to deal with stresses, negative thoughts, depression, anxiety and other problems.

The basic idea behind CBT is that the thoughts you have are highly important in determining your mood and feelings.

Thus for example if you find yourself feeling anxious it is probably because your inner narrative consists of negative thoughts about what might happen in a particular situation to you.

If you have a tendency to assess situations unrealistically or to exagerrate the significance of certain events and ignore counter evidence then this may lead to problems in your life and to you experiencing negative feelings.

CBT provides a range of techniques that you can use to combat irrational or destorted thinking and thereby enable you to make better decisions and feel better.

Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck are the two men usually credited with being the first people to introduce cognitive behavioural therapies. Albert Ellis started Rational Therapy (now called Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) and Aaron Beck started Cognitive Therapy.

Practical information and CBT techniques are described more fully in my book on using CBT techniques to deal with negative thoughts. For further information click on the link below:














Assertiveness Training

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overcoming jealousy

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Overcoming Jealousy

What is Jealousy?

If you look up the word Jealousy in a dictionary you may find two different types of feeling or experience discussed:

  • Suspicion and Fear of Possible Rivals - For example, if you are in a relationship and you fear that your partner is or may be attracted to someone else and you are worried that they may be tempted to be sexually unfaithful to you or to reject or leave you or even simply that you fear that your partner may simply care more for the other person even if they do not act on those feelings;
  • Envy - Being envious of someone else: for example, if you envy someone's qualities, possessions, relationships or success. Some people would not call this jealousy, others would. It has some common characteristics with the main type of jealousy described above but it has some differences too.

Who is Affected by Jealousy?

Jealousy is an emotion experienced by people all around the world and of almost any age. For some people there may be an element of low self esteem or insecurity that fuels your concerns and jealous thoughts about someone else, but jealousy can also sometimes affect you even if normally you have quite high self esteem, particularly if you are involved in a relationship to which you assign a very high degree of importance and you are worried (whether with reason or not) about what might happen and how you might feel if the relationship ends or if you are betrayed in it.  

Jealous Behaviour

Jealousy can lead to all kinds of behaviour about which you feel guilty and which may be damaging to your relationships, such as:

· Being overpossessive or spying on your partner perhaps by looking at their emails or private phone messages

· Acting in an aggressive way towards your partner, for example by shouting at them (or at whoever else is the person that you are worried may betray you or want to be with someone else) or by levelling accusations at them

· Acting in a controlling or unreasonable way towards your partner - for example by trying to restrict what your partner can do or how they use their time or where they go, or by placing demands on them which they may resist or which may lead them to start deceiving you rather than get into an overt confrontation

Features of Jealousy

Jealousy often involves the following features:

· A tendency to compare yourself to a third party 

· A worry or belief that in some respect you lack something that the third party has or that you are in some way inferior to them, whether or not this is the case and whether or not it matters to other people.

Jealousy is sometimes based on genuine reasons for believing that someone is being unfaithful or that they may act in an untrustworthy way. At other times it may not be supported by evidence but be more a symptom of your own insecurity or fears about a relationship, perhaps based on past experiences or your own self image.

Overcoming Jealousy

Initial tips for overcoming jealousy or at least starting to learn how to deal with your jealous behaviour and thereby help to reduce the tension caused in a relationship, include:

- Start to record situations when you find yourself feeling jealous. Note down what the specific thoughts or concerns were that went through your mind when you felt jealous aand what the situation was that prompted or triggered your jealousy. Then write down for each suspicious or jealous fear or thought that you have noted, what you might say to yourself if those thoughts or fears arise again that might help you to put the thoughts in perspective. When the jealous situation arises, try out saying those balancing thoughts before you start acting in a way which you might later come to regret and which won't help your relationship.

- Try not to be too hard on yourself for having jealous thoughts, just try to be practical about what you try to do when you have them.

- If your jealousy arises from feeling insecure or from feeling that your worth is dependent on the views or praise of one individual then try to look for ways of improving your general sense of self esteem and positive identity independently of the person who is at the centre of your jealous anxieties or fears. For example, you could write down a list of your positive qualities and achievements and read it through on a daily basis or at time when you feel jealous or insecure, to remind yourself that you do have worth and value.

- Where possible avoid or minimise lifestyle elements that might affect your ability to control your jealous - for example avoid intoxicants such as alcohol or illegal drugs.

Overcoming Jealousy - Further Ideas

For information about an eBook with ideas and practical tips for overcoming jealousy,
Click on the link below:


Overcoming Jealousy

Alternatively, for information about an eBook with ideas for overcoming low self esteem,
Click on the following link:


Low Self Esteem

David Bonham-Carter
UK Life Coach

 


Diet Tips

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Diet Tips

Below are some links to my articles on dieting issues and free dieting tips using cognitive behavioural techniques (CBT) and other strategies to help deal with some of the mental and emotional issues around healthy dieting in order to lose weight sensibly and manage weight effectively:

Sticking to a Diet

Do Popular Diets Work?

Dealing with Food Temptation

Diet, Mental Health and Mood Swings

Hunger Chart

Eating Triggers

David Bonham-Carter
Life Coach

If you would like to receive free dieting tips by email, please go to:

Free Dieting Tips

 

 

 


Becoming a Life Coach

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hypnotherapy

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Hypnotherapy

This article provides a brief introduction to hypnotherapy setting out:

  • What hypnotherapy is
  • Comparing hypnotherapy with counselling therapies and life coaching
  • Contrasting face to face hypnotherapy sessions with hypnosis CDs and MP3s
  • Indicating where you can get further information about downloadable hypnotherapy MP3s

What is Hypnotherapy?

Hypnotherapy involves using hypnosis to help deal with or overcome emotional problems or psychological difficulties. It can also be used to help address some physical health issues, but you should discuss your options with your doctor first if the physical problem is one which may be better suited to medical treatment.

Through guidance from a hypnotherapist either in person or in some other way such as on a hypnosis CD or MP3, you are taken into a deep state of relaxation which enables you to react positively and purposefully, using hypnotic suggestion techniques to enable you to address difficulties which before may have seemed too challenging for you to be able to cope with them.

Issues That Hypnotherapy May Help You With

Hypnotherapy can be used to help with a vast range of issues. A few examples might be:

  • Improving self esteem or building confidence
  • Tackling addictive habits or behaviour such as smoking, alcohol misuse or gambling
  • Helping with weight loss
  • Overcoming social phobia or other anxieties or compulsive behaviour
  • Helping with relationship difficulties, communication problems or assertiveness
  • Helping you to sleep better, relax or deal with specific stresses.

Hypnotherapy Compared with Counselling & Other Therapies

Many people now prefer the use of hypnosis to traditional models for helping to deal with personal or psychological difficultes such as counselling or psychotherapy. Those methods of intervention traditionally used often to take a long time to achieve results. More modern approaches to helping people people with psychological issues such as life coaching tend to be very focused, but even they do not tend to offer quite the immediate impact that hypnotherapy sometimes promises.

Types of Hypnotherapy

You can arrange hypnotherapy sessions face to face with a hypnotherapist, but for many people the preferred option is to look online for downloadable hypnotherapy MP3s or for CDs which the can purchase.

Hypnotherapy MP3s or CDS have the advantages that:

  • They are likely to be cheaper for you than a series of face to face hypnotherapy sessions
  • They can still be very effective in helping you to overcome whatever issues or anxiety you want help with
  • They teach you how to do self hypnosis and you can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to meet a hypnotherapist in an unfamiliar venue
  • You can use hypnotherapy CDs or MP3s at the time you want to use them and with the frequencey that you feel will enable you to get the most out of the self hypnosis techniques.

Hypnotherapy CDs and MP3s

You can find out information about guaranteed hypnosis CDs and MP3s at the link below:

Guaranteed Hypnosis CDs

Information about a couple of sample topics where hypnotherapy can be helpful is available at the following links:

Hypnotherapy for Self Confidence

Hypnotherapy for Panic & Stress

Finding Out More About Hypnotherapy

If you would like to find out more about hypnotherapy and self hypnosis MP3s or CDs, please click on the link below which takes you to a web page where you can find a comparison of some different providers of hypnotherapy products, so that you can evaluate the disadvantages and advantages of each and explore the range of hypnotherapy products available:

Hypnotherapy - Further Information

 


self help books

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Self Help Books

Below are links to information about specific self help books. Please click on the title of the self help book you are interested in to find out more information:

Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking - Allen Carr

Anxiety, Phobias and Panic: A step-by-step programme for regaining control of your life - Reneau Z Peurifoy

The Artist's Way - Julia Cameron

Balancing Heaven and Earth - Robert Johnson

Coach Yourself: It's Your Life ... - Anthony Grant and Jane Greene

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies - Rob Willson and Rhena Branch

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - Richard Carlson

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway - Susan Jeffers

Finding True Love - Daphne Rose Kingma

Follow Your Heart - Andrew Matthews

You Can Heal Your Life - Louise Hay

I Can Make You Thin - Paul McKenna

Instant Confidence - Paul McKenna

Learn to Coach - Nicola Stevens

Life Coaching: A Cognitive Behavioural Approach - Michael Neenan and Windy Dryden

Life Strategies: Stop Making Excuses! - Dr Phil

The Luck Factor - Richard Wiseman

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - John Gray

The Mind Gym

The Miracle of Mindfulness - Thich Nhat Hanh

NLP Workbook - Joseph O'Connor

Panic Attacks: A Practical Guide to Recognising and Dealing with Feelings of Panic- Sue Breton

The Path to Love - Deepak Chopra

A Return to Love: Marianne Williamson

Starting Again: How to Learn from the Past for a Better Future - Sarah Litvinoff

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen Covey

Taming Your Gremlin - by Rick Carson

Who Moved My Cheese? - Dr Spencer Johnson

How to Write a Million - Dibell, Scott Card & Turco

 For information on self help books and life coaching resources, click on the link below:

Self Help Books & Life Coaching Information

 

 


Business Coaching

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Business Coaching and Business Consultancy - What is the Difference?

This article is written by Life & Business Coach David Bonham-Carter, formerly a commercial solicitor -

For Information about his unique Business Coaching services for small businesses visit his website at:

Business Coaching UK

The main difference between business coaching and business consultancy or consulting, I would argue, is that business coaching tends to have a wider frame of reference than business consultancy because it is not isolated business advice. It helps you to set your business goals and decisions within the overall context of your life and what is important to you. Below I set out what I see as some of the characteristic features of each of the two disciplines:

Business Coaching Defined

Business coaching contains characteristic features of coaching applied to a business context. The aims of a business coach are likely to include:

  • Helping you to clarify the most important goals and aims for your business
  • Helping you to explore different options for your business and make decisions about what is your preferred option and how best to implement it
  • Empowering you to take control of your business in an effective and businesslike way
  • Helping you to achieve the right frame of mind and approach to be able to make sensible business decisions
  • Enabling you to set your business decisions within a context of what is important not just in your business but in your life as a whole

Business Consultancy Defined

The emphasis in business consultancy, or business consulting, is likely to be narrower. A business consultant may:

  • Focus strictly on your business aims, objectives and targets and how to achieve them, rather than setting your business within a wider context
  • Analyse how your business is operating and provide advice or recommendations as to what you should do to improve profits or run your business more effectively
  • Conduct a specific project-based piece of work to your specification to help you decide on and choose options to move your business forward, rather than provide ongoing regular business support as a business coach might do.

Author Biography

David Bonham-Carter is a Life Coach and Business Coach with extensive experience in the field of change management. He uses problem solving coaching techniques to help clients resolve personal and business problems and plan for the future. You can find out more about his life coaching and business coaching services at the links below:

Business Coach UK

Life Coaching

 


Life Coach Tips

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Life Coaching Articles

As a life coach and business coach, one of the resources I provide is a website of life coaching articles by coaches and others with suggestions and tips about a range of life coaching, stress management, career coaching and relationship coaching issues. You can visit the articles website at the link below:

Life Coaching Articles - Life Coach Tips

Examples of some of the topics covered in individual articles on the website are given below. Please click on an individual link to find out more!

Career Change - Mistakes to Avoid

Controlling Eating Habits

Relieve Stress with Creativity

Improve Communication in Relationships

Self Confidence Boosts

Get Rid of Negative Thoughts

You can also find information about self help books and programmes on the website, including:

Self Help Programme

Boost Your Self Esteem E-Book

There is also additional information and ideas about how to become a coach at:

Become a Life Coach

Feedback on any of the articles or life coaching topics is welcomed.

Best wishes

David Bonham-Carter
Life Coach

 

 

 

 

 


The Grow Model

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The Grow Model - Performance Coaching

This webpage is written by professional Life Coach David Bonham-Carter - For Further Information and

articles about Life Coaching visit his website:  Life Coach and Life Coaching Website

The GROW model of coaching is frequently taught to trainee coaches at an early stage and provides a useful practical framework for helping people to clarify personal goals, explore options and act on them. It was perhaps most famously set out by John Whitmore in his book Coaching for Performance published in 1992. The initials of the acronym GROW stand for:

G oal Setting
R eality checking
O ptions
W hat is to be done, When, by Whom and the Will to do it.

To read an article outlining what is involved at each stage of the process in the GROW Model, please visit: The Grow Model - Read More

If you are interested in becoming a life coach or are already training as a life coach and would like free tips about becoming a life coach & building a succesful coaching practice, please visit the link below:

Becoming a Life Coach

 

 

 

 

 


Social Anxiety

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Social Anxiety - What is It? 

This article is written by professional Life Coach David Bonham-Carter - For Further Information

on dealing with stress and anxiety visit his website: Stress and Anxiety Management

 

Social anxiety, also sometimes known as social phobia, is a condition in which you experience high levels of anxiety about being criticised by or judged in a negative way by others. In some surveys as many as 10% of people have been found to suffer from the condition, although it was not commonly recognised as a form of anxiety disorder until the 1980s. If you suffer from social anxiety then you may experience some or all of the following:

 

  • Extreme worry that in public places such as at meetings, work or when shopping that other people will be watching you and finding fault with you
  • Severe feelings of inferiority or inadequacy and a sense that other people are more intelligent than you or that you have nothing to say to them that will be of value
  • Fear of going into a situation where you are expected to contribute to a discussion or give a presentation
  • Extreme sensitivity to criticism from others
  • Physical symptoms such as sweating, blushing, stammering or shaking when thinking about having to take part in a situation about which you are nervous.
  • Perfectionist tendencies - believing that unless you to do something perfectly you have failed

What can you do to if you suffer from social anxiety?

 

There are a number of steps which you can take if you suffer from social anxiety to help you gradually gain control of your situation so that the negative feelings and experiences you have will diminish:

 

One thing that can be useful is to learn some relaxation techniques, for example

 

  • Help to bring your body and mind more regularly into a state of relaxation and calm by practising simple relaxation exercises, ideally on a regular basis to establish a steady relaxing routine at least in part of your life. For example you might begin each morning by spending 10 minutes in a comfortable environment doing a breathing exercise. One of the recommended ways to practise breathing is to do what is called diaphragmatic breathing, as follows: Place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach. Breathe in through your nose slowly, allowing your stomach to swell, pushing out the hand that is resting on it and then gently exhaling to allow your stomach to subside. If the hand on your chest is moved by your breath rather than the hand on your stomach then you are not breathing through your diaphragm, so practise again until it is the stomach which moves. Count your breaths one by one as you breathe in and out.
  • Practise a similar short breathing exercise at times when you are feeling anxious or before going into a situation which you dread. 

Cognitive behavioural therapy or coaching can also be helpful in teaching you techniques which you can practise to deal with the negative and anxious thoughts which are leading you to become worried and stressed. For example, if you suffer from social anxiety you might have a tendency to mind read - that is to say, you imagine what other people will think (imagining that they will think something negative about you). Try writing down these thoughts prior to going into the problematic situation and then write down some alternative thoughts that you might say to yourself to counter the mind reading thoughts. For example, if you are going into a social situation where you are meeting people you do not know, you might have the thought: "They will see that I am stupid and will laugh at me". Write this down and then next to it write something that you can say to challenge or question this thought in a realistic way. For example, you might write down the following challenge: "Some people there will be more concerned with their own problems to notice, even if I do say something stupid, and others may be sympathetic". When you go into the situation remind yourself of that challenge to help you get through the situation.

 

This is just one of numerous techniques you can use to help yourself in difficult situations. At first they may seem artificial or you may find it difficult to believe the new thoughts you are trying to teach yourself. This is normal. You are retraining your mind to think in a different and more constructive way. Try to take things patiently, step by step, and if you need support seek help from a coach specialising in this particular area.

 

A related problem to social anxiety is excessive concern about facial blushing which may be one of the things that you get anxious about when you are in social or professional situations with people - you can find out more about issues around facial blushing at the link below:

 

Can you Stop Facial Blushing? - Treatment Options

  

This article is written by professional Life Coach David Bonham-Carter -

For Further Information on dealing with stress and anxiety visit his website: 

 

Stress and Anxiety Management

 

 

 

 


Relaxation Techniques

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Relaxation Techniques for Stress and Anxiety

This article is written by professional Life Coach David Bonham-Carter - For Further Information

on dealing with stress and anxiety visit his website: Stress and Anxiety Management

 

If you are feeling anxious or stressed or having difficulties sleeping, relaxation techniques can be useful in helping to calm your mind and body.

 

The following are some relaxation techniques you can try. Ideally, if you can, practise one or more of them on a daily basis. The techniques are designed to help you switch off and take your mind away from the immediate thoughts which might otherwise preoccupy you, so don't use the exercises in any environment where for health or safety reasons you need to concentrate fully on another task, e.g. when driving or when operating machinery or using potentially dangerous equipment or tools!

 

To prepare yourself for each exercise, find somewhere comfortable, where you will not be disturbed and sit or lie in a position which you find comfortable.

 

Exercise A: Counting Backwards

 

Shut your eyes and start counting backwards from a number of your choosing. This might be say, 30 or 40, or whatever number you feel is realistic for you in the time frame you have allocated for the exercise. I would suggest that you don't set yourself too high a number if you feel that you will not be able to keep this up on a regular basis. It is better to build up gradually from a relatively low starting point than to set yourself a target that you are unlikely to be able to keep up. If you do find yourself losing impetus, then lower the target number.

 

Count backwards in the following way:

 

- Breathe in slowly and deeply, filling your lungs (if you are breathing in a relaxed way from your diaphragm, ideally your stomach should be filling out as you breathe rather than your upper chest).

- After your in-breath has finished, breathe out in the same slow, relaxed measured, manner.

- At the end of your out-breath say to yourself the number you have reached.

- Once your breath has expired you will naturally begin to breathe in again, without having to force yourself. Allow this natural process to take place and repeat the in-breath, followed by the out-breath, followed by the next number down.

- Repeat this process until you have reached zero. You can if you wish, then repeat the whole process again, starting from your target number.

 

NB. If you find at any time or times that you lose count of where you are or that your concentration wanders, just draw yourself back into the exercise and resume counting at the last point you can remember.

 

Exercise B: Tensing Your Toes

 

For this exercise lie on your back and close your eyes, then:

 

1. Focus your attention on your toes and how they feel!

2. Flex your toes upwards towards your face and count slowly up to 10.

3. Relax your toes.

4. Count slowly up to 10 again.

5. Repeat steps 1-4, eight to ten times.

 

Exercise C: Guided Imagery

 

For this exercise, decide how long you are going to do it for - perhaps 5 or 10 minutes initially, or a bit longer if you wish and have time. Once you are in the comfortable room or setting and position that you have chosen for the exercise:

 

Shut your eyes and imagine yourself in a place or environment that you find enjoyable, doing something relaxing and pleasurable. This will vary depending on what you as an individual like. You could, for example, be by a lake or at the sea or in beautiful scenery or you could imagine yourself socialising with good friends or on a journey. Whatever situation you choose make sure it is a harmonious one and not connected with current activities or stresses. The exercise should take you into a relaxing world.

 

Once you are in that relaxing world, try to imagine it in as much detail as you can - what sounds can you hear, what sensations are you experiencing in your body, who or what else is there, what is happening between yourself and others or the environment?

 

After the time period you allowed for the session, open your eyes and resume your normal activities.

 

It there is a particular calm preparatory routine (e.g. putting on particular clothing, having a drink of water or lighting an incense candle) which you can establish and repeat so that you associate it  with doing whichever relaxation exercise(s) you choose, then this can also help to engender the relaxation - however, avoid ingesting substances which might alter your mood or create health risks as part of the routine, except under medical advice, as these may have detrimental effects (for example, caffeine, alcohol, tobacco or other drugs).

 

This article is written by professional Life Coach David Bonham-Carter -

For Further Information on dealing with stress and anxiety visit his website: 

 

Stress and Anxiety Management

 

 

 

 

 


CBT

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CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

This article is written by professional Life Coach David Bonham-Carter - For Further Information

on CBT and other Life Coaching topics visit his website:  Life Coach and Life Coaching

CBT, otherwise known as cognitive behavioural therapy or cognitive behavioural coaching, is a model used by counsellors and life coaches which is particularly effective in helping people who are experiencing stress, anxiety or negative thoughts. It is also commonly recommended as a successful method for helping people suffering from depression or other low mental states.

The cognitive part of this method relates to your thoughts and feelings (your cognitions). The method rests on the view that the thoughts that are going through your head are likely to influence your actions and feelings. It helps you to look at options for you to begin to change your thought patterns if they are causing you problems and also at ways of behaving which will help you to think and feel more constructively.

If you find yourself commonly thinking self critical thoughts or judging yourself (or others) in extreme ways it may well be that you would benefit from cognitive behavioural coaching. Perhaps the most well known format used by CBT for analsying thoughts, emotions and actions is the ABC Model which you can find described at the link below:

ABC Model - Cogntive Behavioural Therapy technique

Cognitive behavioural coaching is helpful in helping you to identify if there are particular patterns of thinking that you allow to imbalance your perceptions and create negative feelings. For example you might come to realise that you have a tendency to:

Mind Reading - e.g. imagining that other people are thinking negative thoughts about you when there is little objective evidence to support that

Fortune Telling - i.e. imagining gloomy things happening which are not necessarily going to happen. In some cases your anxieties about them may increase the likelihood of them happening as when, for example, you worry about your partner having an affair and allow this to influence your behaviour towards your partner in such a way that they feel attacked or controlled and seek to break free

All or Nothing Thinking  - seeing everything in extreme terms when in fact there may be some positive and some negative aspects or consequences to the situation.

A coach trained in cognitive behavioural techniques will help you to identify these thought patterns and find ways of substituting more realistic and constructive ways of thinking.

One technique that you can use to counter negative thoughts is to make a note of what is going through your mind and then create a balancing statement. Thus for example you might note the following thought and then create a balancing statement such as that listed:

Negative Thought

"I arrived 10 minutes late. I am hopeless. I can never get to work on time."

Balancing Statement - to put the negative thought in perspective

"On this occasion I arrived 10 minutes late. Punctuality is not my strong point but I am going to work on it to try to improve, by practical measures such as setting my alarm clock 10 minutes earlier in the morning."

In the example given, the balancing statement does not seek to pretend that there is no difficulty or that you are perfect - after all, who is - but it seeks to help you put things in perspective and come up with positive realistic actions to try out to improve your situation.

Negative self critical thoughts quite often contain words such as "never" or "should" , which are either extreme or else moralistic in their self condemnation. Balancing statements aim to moderate these elements in a realistic way to help you achieved a more balanced approach to yourself, to others and to life.

One technique that you can use if you do find yourself frequently being self critical is to draw up a list of  "affirmations" - a list of your positive qualities and experiences -  and read it through on a daily basis or at times when you are feeling low, to remind yourself of the positive aspects that you may tend to forget. If you are unable to think of positive qualities immediately then you can ask trusted friends what they like about you or think are your positive qualities or achievements and use these as a starting point. This technique can be helpful if you are experiencing low self esteem.

Conclusion: Cognitive behavioural coaching is a practical and useful model for helping you change your mindset and view situations in a constructive way. It is a model of particular use with people experiencing negative thought patterns, mild depression or anixety. I have frequently used its techniques with very positive results with clients and research evidence demonstrates that it is highly effective.

This article is written by professional Life Coach David Bonham-Carter -

For Further Information on CBT and other Life Coaching topics visit his website:  

 

Life Coach and Life Coaching

 

 

 


Assertiveness

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How to Become Assertive

This article is written by professional Life Coach David Bonham-Carter - For Further Information

on Assertiveness and other Life Coaching topics visit his website:  Life Coach and Life Coaching

 

The way you act towards other people can be categorised into three types of behaviour: Passive, Aggressive and Assertive.

 

If you tend to act passively then you may be seeking to avoid conflict, often at the expense of your own needs.

 

If you tend to act aggressively, you may go to the other extreme and escalate conflict in an attempt (not always successful) to get your own needs met.

 

Most people would agree that usually it is best to avoid both these extremes if you can and to act assertively - to express your own needs and wants, not to hide them, but to do so in a way which is reasonable and which allows others the opportunity to communicate their wishes and feelings too.

 

If you are in a relationship with someone or in a work situation where you feel that your needs are not being met or that the other person is acting in a way which you don't like, then it will usually be helpful to express your feelings and thoughts to them assertively rather than to conceal them passively or to express them too aggressively.

 

Below are 15 tips for preparing yourself before entering into a conversation, discussion or negotiation with someone where you want to try to get the other person to act in a different way or treat you differently.

 

  1. Write down in advance an outline of what it is you intend to say to the other person.
  2. In the outline, describe the situation or behaviour which is creating a problem for you and which you would the person to change.
  3. When describing the situation be specific and give examples of when the behaviour has occurred.
  4. Avoid using exaggerations or generalisations. Be honest and keep your description as straightforward and simple as possible.
  5. Express your thoughts and feelings about the situation, acknowledging them as your own thoughts and feelings rather than expressing them as a general truth.
  6. Ask for reasonable changes from the other person that would help to improve the situation for you.
  7. Listen to what the other person has to say in response - without necessarily agreeing with it.
  8. If there is a "win-win" situation where a change in the other person's behaviour or in the situation or in both your behaviour will benefit them as well as you, try to explore that possibility with them.
  9. If there is no win-win situation, then decide beforehand what is the minimum that you would want. Be prepared to negotiate a solution in between that minimum and the maximum you would like.
  10. In respect of those aspects where you might compromise, think of possible suggestions that you might make to the other party about what you would like in return from them if you compromise on those aspects.
  11. Be clear in your own mind as to what the consequences will be and what you will do if your minimum is not met by the other person.
  12. If the person is willing to change their behaviour towards you in a constructive way is there something that you can reasonably offer to do for them in return.
  13. In the light of your relationship with the other party and your knowledge of them, give some thought in advance to what style of approach is most likely to encourage the other party to respond positively to your request - will it help for you to be encouraging and constructive and try to engage in a joint search for solutions or will it be more likely to be productive if you take a firm stance from the outset, indicating absolutely clearly what you want and what will be the consequences if your wishes are not met or at least are not met in full? The best style of approach may vary for different situations.
  14. When, where and how do you want to approach the topic to give yourself the best chance of getting a friendly constructive or at least helpful response from the other party. In most cases if possible you may want to raise the subject at a time when both you and the other party can give full attention to the discussion without distractions and when you are not preoccupied with other matters or very tired or stressed.
  15. Whilst you are looking for a good time to raise the topic, as indicated above, don't put off the moment for ever! The perfect time will probably never happen. If you find yourself delaying too much, then select a specific time or occasion to raise the matter and keep to your commitment. 

This article is written by professional Life Coach David Bonham-Carter -

For Information about a downloadable eBook for helping you to become more assertive, please click on the link below: 

 

 Assertiveness Training - How to Be Assertive

 

 

 


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