Posted by: eric_garner
in Blogs on Oct 19, 2009
"Ornery" isn't a word I use very often. In fact, until a few weeks ago, I'd never really used it at all. But this week, after a business prospect I'd been working with for a few months, failed to deliver on her promises, I really gave in to an ugly and unpleasant temper. I felt ornery.
My initial thought was to express my orneriness in a condemnatory email or phone call. It seemed like the natural thing to do. But a little voice in the back of my head told me to sleep on it and re-visit things in the morning.
That little voice in my head probably came from something we teach on our Communication courses at ManageTrainLearn. First off, don't communicate with anyone when your emotions, - and your orneriness, - are running high. And second, when you are calm and can communicate, don't think about getting others to understand your position and how you feel. Instead, do everything you can to understand their position and how they feel.
In "Chicken Soup for the Soul", Mark Victor Hansen relates Terry Dobson's story of the drunk on the Tokyo metro. This is a story of how Terry Dobson found himself on a late-night underground train in Tokyo confronted by a violent-looking drunk. Terry was in Japan studying martial arts and aikido. As the drunk got more threatening by the minute, he prepared himself to use one of the quick attacking moves that he had learnt in his studies.
At that moment, they both heard someone shout out, "Hey!" and turned round to see a tiny old Japanese gentleman sitting on a seat and beckoning to the drunk. "Come here and talk to me," he said.
The drunk ignored him so the old man asked, "What you been drinking?" with eyes sparkling with interest.
"Sake!" the drunk bellowed back, "and it's none of your business."
"Oh, that's wonderful," the old man said, "absolutely wonderful. You see, I love sake too. Every night my wife and I warm up a little bottle of sake and go and drink it under the persimmon trees in our garden."
The drunk's face began to soften. "I love persimmon trees."
"And I bet you have a lovely wife, too."
"No," replied the drunk. "My wife died. And then I lost my job. And my house." Very gently, almost like a child, the drunk began to sob as he related the story of his misfortune and loneliness to the old man.
By the time he left the train, the drunk had completely calmed down. Terry alighted from the train and sat on the station platform. He took a moment to think. "What I had wanted to do with muscle had been accomplished with kind words. I had seen aikido in action and the essence of it was love."
This approach to communicating can also be summed up in what we call the Five Vowels approach. The vowels are AEIOU and stand for:
A for Acceptance
E for Empathy
I for Interest
O for Openness, and
U for Understanding.
When I Skyped my prospect on the morning after my orneriness, I decided to put aikido and the Five Vowels into practice.
As a result, I now have a prospect with whom I have built understanding; a relationship that I can build on in the future; and, quite possibly, a friend for life.
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Dec 19, 2008
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Dec 18, 2008
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Nov 17, 2008
I have talked with a lot of managers over time and have heard many times over, the desire for their people to change. They all seem to want their people to give just a little more. They want their people to be a little kinder to their co-workers. They all want their people to work a little smarter. They want, want, want.
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Oct 03, 2008
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Sep 23, 2008
I was buried in my work, writing a macro in Excel that was going to save me hours of work. An employee of the firm I consult with dropped by my desk and asked if I could sacrifice a few minutes and help him out. I wasn't at a good place to stop, but if you saw the fear in his face, you would stop whatever you were doing just to hear what he was so worried about. As it turns out, our wonderful medium of communicating instantly with others, Instant Messaging (IM), fell victim to a bad incident of misdirected communication.
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Aug 12, 2008
Before we get too far into what is effective feedback, it is important to note that the most effective organizations work to establish a culture of development, where people at all levels are encouraged to help others develop their skills. Providing positive and constructive feedback is a critical component.
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Mar 05, 2008
More than 1 million employees can't be wrong. A Gallup poll of more 1 million employed U.S. workers concluded that the No. 1 reason people quit their jobs is a bad boss or immediate supervisor and the feeling of under appreciation.
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Feb 12, 2008
Ever been in a meeting with a bunch of people around a table and your boss is up at the front leading the meeting and all of a sudden, you realize he has asked for your opinion?
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Jan 29, 2008
Of all of the phobias in the world, I found that the #2 most feared thing in life is Death and the #1 most feared thing is Public Speaking.
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Jan 29, 2008
Of all of the phobias in the world, I found that the #2 most feared thing in life is Death and the #1 most feared thing is Public Speaking.
Posted by: southard00030
in Blogs on Jan 22, 2008
There is one habit people engage in, myself included, that if we all stopped, an amazing transformation would occur. This habit is so damaging to the individual, group and organization that it takes place in. I still have hope that WE ALL will give up this annoying habit. Until then, I have taken it upon myself to change my habit of criticizing, condemning and complaining.
In the workplace, it is easy to identify these people who criticize, condemn or complain. I "affectionately" call theses people "Whiny Sucky Babies". They find whatever it is and begin to rip it apart. Grip, moan, and belly ache about this or that. I know you know what I am talking about...there are many Whiny Sucky Babies out there and one probably works with you. As I see it, any fool can do these three C's and most fools do.
So what can we do about this! What I have discovered is that it start and stops with me and with you. Taking responsibility not to engage in or allow criticizing in your presence. Stopping complainers in their tracks. Interjecting positives for all of the negatives they throw your way. Setting the standard that these three C's are not tolerated within your earshot is a good place to start...especially with yourself.
Is it easy? NO! It is human nature, it seems, as it is far easier to do the three C's than it is to be constantly positive and kind. Is it attainable? YES! We can condition ourselves and make a huge impact on those we work and live with when we stop being a Whiny Sucky Baby.
I think every one of us wants to be understood, wouldn't you agree? If we want so bad to be understood and remember the feeling of being understood, then let us be understandable of others too. Let us look for the good in others. Will there be bad, yes, especially if you look for it. But there will also always be good in people. Choose to look for the good. Choose to understand others' perspectives and help them feel like you understand them. This does not mean that you have to agree with them. It simply means you understand them and choose to look for the positive and not take the easy way out by criticizing, condemning or complaining.
Those of you who are already good at this, congratulations. For me, it is still a work in progress. I have seen great results from me taking the time to analyze the situation and control my impulse to be a fool. Relationships with co-workers has improved. Relationships at home with my wife and children have improved. I can see my life take on a brighter, happier tone now that I am aware of how draining it can be to be a Whiny Sucky Baby all the time.
Be a positive influence at work and at home, your life will change for the better.
